Don't Watchmen

"The city screams at me like an abattoir of retarded children."

What a line. It's from Rorschach, the canvas-masked Watchman.

David insisted that this movie would be stellar because the graphic novel was awesome. And because my favourite professor of all time wrote his thesis on the graphic novel in modern literature, I was more convinced to see the movie.
Set in the 1980s, it is a dark, gritty film whose cinematography captures the lined drawing style of graphic illustrations. But unlike the black and white drawings, the film's lighting made it difficult to watch, kind of like the ongoing struggle against corruption, filth and greed that the Watchmen face.

The story itself is hard to follow. It starts in the 1940s, and after a well-done time lapse, complete with Bob Dylan's "The Times They Are a-Changing", we're thrust into the mid-1980s. Think shoulder pads, overdone makeup and thick-rimmed glasses in the midst of a dingy, bleak city. The Watchmen are inactive, individually recalling their days as heroes, and they are stagnant, and crime is happening all around them. Formulaic, they pull off the dusty tarp on Archimedes ("Archie"), the hovering mini-spaceship, put on their face-paint and pleather unitards and get to work.

The villain and arch-nemesis is obvious from the start, if by the name alone. Ozymandias, the weirdo CEO of the largest corporation in America, is the living embodiment of the decline of humanity. Although claiming that his schemes are for the benefit of humanity, they are actually examples of his own sense of superiority...you get the idea.

I could write out the synopsis, but instead, I will just focus on the one part of the film that was the clincher. Alone on Archie, having destroyed a few city blocks with firebombs and resting the ship in the atmosphere, Silk Spectre II (fresh from her break-up with Doctor Manhattan who "tastes like batteries". It's weird) and Night Owl explore mutual attraction. Cue Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah", possibly the least romantic song of all time, some lame acting and bad lighting, and there is one of the worst sex scenes in movie history. Really, it could not be creepier. It goes on way too long, and would make even the most mature adults squirm in their seats. Naturally, Davy and I giggled the whole FIVE MINUTE scene, waiting for it to finally be over!

All in all, I would say that this movie is as lame as it gets. Avoid avoid avoid.

Rating: 5.0/10.0