Valkyrie (SPOILER ALERT)

Did you know that Tom Cruise stopped World War II by assassinating Hitler? He can do anything, and that includes starring in an overdone World War II movie featuring a slew of British actors portraying righteous Germans!

I'll admit it: I sometimes like bad movies. Movies that aren't good, but are at least true to their genre -- I loved Return of the Creature from the Black Lagoon (old OLD scary movie), I Am Legend (post-apocalyptic horror), Shoot Em Up (over-the-top cheesiness), and Stargate (sci-fi + Egyptians = OH YEAH). I didn't like Valkyrie. Let's start with some geography.

The Maps

I'm not a geography enthusiast (I get lost a lot), so I've annotated a handy map to help with the discussion:


You should note:

1. Britain is an island
2. Germany is not an island
3. Britain is not in Germany

This map would have simplified life for the makers of this movie, who seem to have forgotten that British accents belonged on the side of the Allies during World War II, and not in the ranks of the SS and the German army. Perhaps after casting the movie, Bryan Singer decided that it would be a lot to ask for the actors to speak with German accents. I mean, acting doesn't have anything to do with voice moderation or accent control, right? It's just about standing around and looking good while explosions go off and the music plays! Right.

Not everyone in the movie has an English accent: David Bamber, who is a Brit, plays Adolf with a German accent, and Tom Cruise is clearly American. This makes the plan to kill Hitler look like a British black ops exercise led by an American superhero with one eye, and is completely ridiculous throughout the film.

The Leo

One of the problems about this movie is its similarity to Titanic: you go into the movie knowing that Tom Cruise did not kill Adolf Hitler, and the boat sinks at the end. Unfortunately, while Titanic tries to lead you on a lovely tale of forbidden love that takes precedence over the sinking of the ship (note here that I hated Titanic and wish that I had those hours of my life back - at least I had dinner while watching it, although I almost lost it a few times. Ginny hated it so much that she just fell asleep), Valkyrie is all about a failed plot. Nice one. The plot fails and the characters are unlikeable -- who are we supposed to be cheering for here?

The Upside

The best part of this movie was being able to scare the dog next door when I cranked up the volume during the bombing scene at the beginning (Ginny fell off the couch), but that was about all that I got from the movie. Do yourself a favor and don't watch this movie -- if you do feel the need to watch it, don't go in with high expectations. If you feel the need to buy it, give it to someone you don't like.

Rating: 2.0/10.0